http://theamericancritic.com/categories/rss/HumorLatest Articles Posted on The American Critic Filed Under HumorLatest Articles Posted on The American Critic Filed Under Humortrademarking her name, I decided to put myself in her shoes and enter the wide world of imagination, as any prudent speculator would.

Please feel free to join in getting the creative wheels turning...







Hmmm... Now just what types of things might Sarah Palin® contribute to our (or China's) economy?








Nah...(lol) Ice cold.
















Mmm... Getting cooler
















Warmer... (seriously!)


















Hotter, much hotter...



















Pretty damn hot now...



















+

OMG, FIRE!]]>Fri, 04 Feb 2011 21:11:01 PST1296882661
From http://www.zoklet.net/bbs/showthread.php?p=1829755
Published by OFF! Magazine, a zine produced by students at SUNY Binghamton and edited by Tim La Pietra.

Once upon a time, the captain and the mates of a ship grew so vain of their seamanship, so full of hubris and so impressed with themselves, that they went mad. They turned the ship north and sailed until they met with icebergs and dangerous floes, and they kept sailing north into more and more perilous waters, solely in order to give themselves opportunities to perform ever-more-brilliant feats of seamanship.

As the ship reached higher and higher latitudes, the passengers and crew became increasingly uncomfortable. They began quarreling among themselves and complaining of the conditions under which they lived.

"Shiver me timbers," said an able seaman, "if this ain’t the worst voyage I’ve ever been on. The deck is slick with ice; when I’m on lookout the wind cuts through me jacket like a knife; every time I reef the foresail I blamed-near freeze me fingers; and all I get for it is a miserable five shillings a month!"

"You think you have it bad!" said a lady passenger. "I can’t sleep at night for the cold. Ladies on this ship don’t get as many blankets as the men. It isn’t fair!"

A Mexican sailor chimed in: "¡Chingado! I’m only getting half the wages of the Anglo seamen. We need plenty of food to keep us warm in this climate, and I’m not getting my share; the Anglos get more. And the worst of it is that the mates always give me orders in English instead of Spanish."

"I have more reason to complain than anybody," said an American Indian sailor. "If the palefaces hadn’t robbed me of my ancestral lands, I wouldn’t even be on this ship, here among the icebergs and arctic winds. I would just be paddling a canoe on a nice, placid lake. I deserve compensation. At the very least, the captain should let me run a crap game so that I can make some money."

The bosun spoke up: "Yesterday the first mate called me a ‘fruit’ just because I suck cocks. I have a right to suck cocks without being called names for it!"

It’s not only humans who are mistreated on this ship," interjected an animal-lover among the passengers, her voice quivering with indignation. "Why, last week I saw the second mate kick the ship’s dog twice!"

One of the passengers was a college professor. Wringing his hands he exclaimed,

"All this is just awful! It’s immoral! It’s racism, sexism, speciesism, homophobia, and exploitation of the working class! It’s discrimination! We must have social justice: Equal wages for the Mexican sailor, higher wages for all sailors, compensation for the Indian, equal blankets for the ladies, a guaranteed right to suck cocks, and no more kicking the dog!"

"Yes, yes!" shouted the passengers. "Aye-aye!" shouted the crew. "It’s discrimination! We have to demand our rights!"

The cabin boy cleared his throat.

"Ahem. You all have good reasons to complain. But it seems to me that what we really have to do is get this ship turned around and headed back south, because if we keep going north we’re sure to be wrecked sooner or later, and then your wages, your blankets, and your right to suck cocks won’t do you any good, because we’ll all drown."

But no one paid any attention to him, because he was only the cabin boy.

The captain and the mates, from their station on the poop deck, had been watching and listening. Now they smiled and winked at one another, and at a gesture from the captain the third mate came down from the poop deck, sauntered over to where the passengers and crew were gathered, and shouldered his way in amongst them. He put a very serious expression on his face and spoke thusly:

"We officers have to admit that some really inexcusable things have been happening on this ship. We hadn’t realized how bad the situation was until we heard your complaints. We are men of good will and want to do right by you. But – well – the captain is rather conservative and set in his ways, and may have to be prodded a bit before he’ll make any substantial changes. My personal opinion is that if you protest vigorously – but always peacefully and without violating any of the ship’s rules – you would shake the captain out of his inertia and force him to address the problems of which you so justly complain."

Having said this, the third mate headed back toward the poop deck. As he went, the passengers and crew called after him, "Moderate! Reformer! Goody-liberal! Captain’s stooge!" But they nevertheless did as he said. They gathered in a body before the poop deck, shouted insults at the officers, and demanded their rights: "I want higher wages and better working conditions," cried the able seaman. "Equal blankets for women," cried the lady passenger. "I want to receive my orders in Spanish," cried the Mexican sailor. "I want the right to run a crap game," cried the Indian sailor. "I don’t want to be called a fruit," cried the bosun. "No more kicking the dog," cried the animal lover. "Revolution now," cried the professor.

The captain and the mates huddled together and conferred for several minutes, winking, nodding and smiling at one another all the while. Then the captain stepped to the front of the poop deck and, with a great show of benevolence, announced that the able seaman’s wages would be raised to six shillings a month; the Mexican sailor’s wages would be raised to two-thirds the wages of an Anglo seaman, and the order to reef the foresail would be given in Spanish; lady passengers would receive one more blanket; the Indian sailor would be allowed to run a crap game on Saturday nights; the bosun wouldn’t be called a fruit as long as he kept his cocksucking strictly private; and the dog wouldn’t be kicked unless he did something really naughty, such as stealing food from the galley.

The passengers and crew celebrated these concessions as a great victory, but the next morning, they were again feeling dissatisfied.

"Six shillings a month is a pittance, and I still freeze me fingers when I reef the foresail," grumbled the able seaman. "I’m still not getting the same wages as the Anglos, or enough food for this climate," said the Mexican sailor. "We women still don’t have enough blankets to keep us warm," said the lady passenger. The other crewmen and passengers voiced similar complaints, and the professor egged them on.

When they were done, the cabin boy spoke up – louder this time so that the others could not easily ignore him:

"It’s really terrible that the dog gets kicked for stealing a bit of bread from the galley, and that women don’t have equal blankets, and that the able seaman gets his fingers frozen; and I don’t see why the bosun shouldn’t suck cocks if he wants to. But look how thick the icebergs are now, and how the wind blows harder and harder! We’ve got to turn this ship back toward the south, because if we keep going north we’ll be wrecked and drowned."

"Oh yes," said the bosun, "It’s just so awful that we keep heading north. But why should I have to keep cocksucking in the closet? Why should I be called a fruit? Ain’t I as good as everyone else?"

"Sailing north is terrible," said the lady passenger. "But don’t you see? That’s exactly why women need more blankets to keep them warm. I demand equal blankets for women now!"

"It’s quite true," said the professor, "that sailing to the north imposes great hardships on all of us. But changing course toward the south would be unrealistic. You can’t turn back the clock. We must find a mature way of dealing with the situation."

"Look," said the cabin boy, "If we let those four madmen up on the poop deck have their way, we’ll all be drowned. If we ever get the ship out of danger, then we can worry about working conditions, blankets for women, and the right to suck cocks. But first we’ve got to get this vessel turned around. If a few of us get together, make a plan, and show some courage, we can save ourselves. It wouldn’t take many of us – six or eight would do. We could charge the poop, chuck those lunatics overboard, and turn the ship to the south."

The professor elevated his nose and said sternly, "I don’t believe in violence. It’s immoral."

"It’s unethical ever to use violence," said the bosun.

"I’m terrified of violence," said the lady passenger.

The captain and the mates had been watching and listening all the while. At a signal from the captain, the third mate stepped down to the main deck. He went about among the passengers and crew, telling them that there were still many problems on the ship.

"We have made much progress," he said, "But much remains to be done. Working conditions for the able seaman are still hard, the Mexican still isn’t getting the same wages as the Anglos, the women still don’t have quite as many blankets as the men, the Indian’s Saturday-night crap game is a paltry compensation for his lost lands, it’s unfair to the bosun that he has to keep his cocksucking in the closet, and the dog still gets kicked at times.

"I think the captain needs to be prodded again. It would help if you all would put on another protest – as long as it remains nonviolent."

As the third mate walked back toward the stern, the passengers and the crew shouted insults after him, but they nevertheless did what he said and gathered in front of the poop deck for another protest. They ranted and raved and brandished their fists, and they even threw a rotten egg at the captain (which he skillfully dodged).

After hearing their complaints, the captain and the mates huddled for a conference, during which they winked and grinned broadly at one another. Then the captain stepped to the front of the poop deck and announced that the able seaman would be given gloves to keep his fingers warm, the Mexican sailor would receive wages equal to three-fourths the wages of an Anglo seaman, the women would receive yet another blanket, the Indian sailor could run a crap game on Saturday and Sunday nights, the bosun would be allowed to suck cocks publicly after dark, and no one could kick the dog without special permission from the captain.

The passengers and crew were ecstatic over this great revolutionary victory, but by the next morning they were again feeling dissatisfied and began grumbling about the same old hardships.

The cabin boy this time was getting angry.

"You damn fools!" he shouted. "Don’t you see what the captain and the mates are doing? They’re keeping you occupied with your trivial grievances about blankets and wages and the dog being kicked so that you won’t think about what is really wrong with this ship --– that it’s getting farther and farther to the north and we’re all going to be drowned. If just a few of you would come to your senses, get together, and charge the poop deck, we could turn this ship around and save ourselves. But all you do is whine about petty little issues like working conditions and crap games and the right to suck cocks."

The passengers and the crew were incensed.

"Petty!!" cried the Mexican, "Do you think it’s reasonable that I get only three-fourths the wages of an Anglo sailor? Is that petty?

"How can you call my grievance trivial? shouted the bosun. "Don’t you know how humiliating it is to be called a fruit?"

"Kicking the dog is not a ‘petty little issue!’" screamed the animal-lover. "It’s heartless, cruel, and brutal!"

"Alright then," answered the cabin boy. "These issues are not petty and trivial. Kicking the dog is cruel and brutal and it is humiliating to be called a fruit. But in comparison to our real problem – in comparison to the fact that the ship is still heading north – your grievances are petty and trivial, because if we don’t get this ship turned around soon, we’re all going to drown.

"Fascist!" said the professor.

"Counterrevolutionary!" said the lady passenger. And all of the passengers and crew chimed in one after another, calling the cabin boy a fascist and a counterrevolutionary. They pushed him away and went back to grumbling about wages, and about blankets for women, and about the right to suck cocks, and about how the dog was treated. The ship kept sailing north, and after a while it was crushed between two icebergs and everyone drowned.

© Ted Kaczynski, 1999 ]]>Sat, 22 May 2010 10:16:46 PDT1274548606
1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

8. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

10. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

19. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

20. A will is a dead giveaway.

21. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

22. A backward poet writes inverse.

23. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

24. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

25. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

26. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

27. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner.

28. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

29. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

30. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

31. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

32. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

33. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

34. A calendar's days are numbered.

35. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

36. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

37. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

38. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

39. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

40. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

41. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

42. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

43. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

44. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

45. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
]]>Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:43:24 PDT1246556604
http://sweetraptorjesus2.ytmnd.com/
]]>Fri, 22 May 2009 12:23:43 PDT1243020223 ]]>Fri, 22 May 2009 12:21:15 PDT1243020075
As I was listening to one of his slight-of-hand speeches, (never let a crisis go unexploited), which I might add was reminiscent of a high school debating competition, I wondered whether I should really be concerned for the welfare of this country, or is there a mechanism in place to protect us against a flim flam artist. As great of a speaker as he appears to be, I am amused that he never looks at the the camera. I can never see if there is any sincerity in his eyes. His head swings back and forth like a pendulum, hands folded neatly on the podium as if he is praying that the teleprompter won't break. I know its not politically correct to make fun of a liberal-especially their leader, so if I have offended anyone out there, I'm sorry...but tell your friends. I know, I know, liberals never do anything wrong. They make either "honest mistakes" or they are misunderstood. I get it! I was a teenager once,too.

My comments thus far were just for fun. The real problem is BO's judgment, and his far left ideology. His staff and cabinet choices came right out of a police line up. Are there any liberals out there who don't have a tax or ethical problem? Turbo tax Geitner, Daschle, Richardson --- the list is endless. Our homeland guru, Janet Napolitano is a real piece of work. Her gaffs are world class.

His foreign policy is a little scary. In Europe, he apologies for America's conduct, bows to the Saudi King, and comes back empty handed. When Sarkosy of France calls him "utterly immature," it makes me hungry for french fries.

BO's trip to South America was another landmark accomplishment. Hugo gives him an anti-American book, and Danny boy makes a 55 minute anti-American speech, and our president says nothing. How proud is he must be to be an American!

Domestically, he is using the crisis as a means of enlarging government beyond imagination with spending exceeding the combined budgets of all presidents since Washington.

You want change! You got it... it's in your pocket. His $11 tax cut for 95% Americans was unique,since only 50% of the population pay fed taxes. It's like being at Magic Castle. The magician gives you a dollar with one hand, while he is lifting your wallet the other. Tax the rich and the poor pays for it. We have the second highest corporate Tax rate in the world (34%)

As for me, I'm an optimist. The pendulum is always swinging, and thank God for that. Even with a filibuster proof Congress, I have hope that the country, which is natively conservative, will see the light, and change things next election - if we can make it that long

The scariest thing is the main scream media has become so bias that criticism that would make the front page for Bush's smallest gaff never get mentioned at all, regardless of importance, when it's Obama's problem. Maybe that's why the newspapers are going out of business.

There is a bright light. Although Obamas poll numbers are still high, the gap for approval of his policies is growing materially

I could mention much more like closing Gitmo with no plan. Thanks God even the Dem's got that problem, and pulled the $81 million from the budget. The list of problems is growing like the government running the banks and auto industry. The last noteworthy government accomplishment in history was Mussolini's getting the trains to run on time.

We are in a Pit but the Pendulum is still swinging!

PS I like his dog.

]]>Wed, 06 May 2009 10:23:15 PDT1241630595You mention having intelligent conversation. You really should practice what you preach. I made an observation and your reply was condescending and degrading. If you call that intelligence, you can have it. People of your ilk try to make themselves look better by downing others. I suppose that is all you know, you've probably been that way your entire life. You make assumptions of my age and intelligence, when you know nothing about me. So in conclusion, you appear to be the stupid one. So..read ..this ...slowly, am...I..going..to fast..for you..you ...arrogant fuck...KISS..MY..ASS.... Shall01

I will be glad to talk about:
People of your ilk try(ing) to make themselves look better by downing others.

"Listen you spoiled little bitch..fuck off … I suppose intelligent language is above your ability. shall01 on April 9th, 2009 at 1:56 PM

You are a spoiled little egotistical hard head. shall01 on April 9th, 2009 at 3:31 AM

You also sound like you are very full of yourself, as are many Repugs. Yes, my views may be liberal, but I'm hardly emotional, childlike or weak. shall01 on February 6th, 2009 at 7:53 PM

I think he's a womanizing pig, but I was trying to be nice in my article. You right wing zealots have a serious problem. Vote for who you want and so will I. I am probably more patriotic than you will ever be. shall01 on October 22nd, 2008 at 7:56 PM

or anything from McSame. shall01 on October 29th, 2008 at 3:06 AM

I think you people are all whack jobs. This kind of feels like a twilight zone episode and I've wandered into a strange country that is masquerading as America. shall01 on October 25th, 2008 at 11:09 AM

I wonder if you really are an American. You said you have a home in Mexico..why is that? It's going to be hard to be a marine from Mexico. Your story is a little confusing. Not inferring that your a liar any more than you were inferring that I probably don't have a job. Go listen to your radio and talk shows, where it seems you get all of your information...oh not inferring that you are stupid either, just naive. Have a nice day. shall01 on October 25th, 2008 at 5:19 AM

You my friends, are the ones that need to be educated and enlightened. shall01 on October 24th, 2008 at 4:59 PM

Hey listen you condescending little ass. shall01 on October 23rd, 2008 at 9:06 PM

You don't know me so do not pass judgement on me you self rightous sob. shall01 on October 23rd, 2008 at 7:47 PM

Joe the plumber is a liar. He is not even a licensed plumber. Everything he stated when he was speaking to Obama ended up being false. shall01 on November 18th, 2008 at 7:16 PM

You people read all of this stupid crap from unreliable right wing sites and take it all as word of law. Joe the plumber was investigated by the media, not Obama. Joe the plumber is a loser anyway..so hopefully he disappears back under his rock where he belongs. He had his 15 minutes of fame. You know what cali, I don't think your ignorant, I think you are a whack job. …shall01 on November 18th, 2008 at 10:27 AM

Thank you Mr Bush, for the last eight years of bullshit..don't let the door hit your in the ass on your way out. shall01 on November 16th, 2008 at 6:21 PM

Caligo..you really are sad. shall01 on November 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 AM

She is not here to critique articles..she is here to slam people because they don't agree with her. She sounds like the un-American one to me. shall01 on October 28th, 2008 at 5:51 AM

Your accusations are just more lies that have come from the gutter politics the McCain campaign has been spewing this election. shall01 on October 23rd, 2008 at 3:29 AM

I suspect you are young and really naïve

robin..you have to be kidding about watching Hannity or O'Reilly for facts. They are just about the biggest blowhards I have ever heard. shall01 on February 2nd, 2009 at 3:06 PM

You also sound like you are very full of yourself, as are many Repugs. shall01 on February 6th, 2009 at 7:53 PM

I do not consider McCain a hero. He has been a spoiled brat his entire life and has way too many anger issues to be considered a hero in my book. shall01 on November 30th, 2008 at 3:20 AM

...the Wasilla hillbilly goes home. Hofefully to never to darken our doorways again. The idiot that she was...McCains campaign said she didn't know Alaska was a continant. I was taught that in public grammar school. shall01 on November 7th, 2008 at 6:45 PM"

And the one I like the MOST:

You people are nuts ... I'm off of this site. shall01 on November 19th, 2008 at 3:25 AM

Wait! Wait! Don't go! Bye-Bye, Little, Shallow]]>Fri, 01 May 2009 18:54:56 PDT1241229296

]]>Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:40:47 PST1234392047“Happy New Year’s Everyone!” “OMG!!! HNY!!!”


I wanted to get this thought out before New Years for a couple of reasons. 1) In case I may offend anyone we can simply say that it was something that I had written last year and it is now far behind us. 2) Because I can already feel the onslaught of anxious text messages preparing to launch, filled with good tidings and well wishes.


Here is the deal:


I know you’re excited about the holidays and you want to share your excitement with all of your friends, particularly the ones stored in your phone. The problem is that everyone else is doing this too. So now, like clockwork, every holiday is filled with a slew of good cheer in the form of the IBTM or, Impersonal Blanket Text Message. You can almost hear the sigh of weary phone batteries being drained, absorbing the brunt of an unending stream of ones and zeros, beaming through the night like the Starship Enterprise. You may even have your message pre-written and saved as a draft just for New Years! This way you can watch the ball drop and all you have to do is hit send. (No one wants to deal with a nervous finger, shaking and sweating with anticipation, awaiting the exact moment to crush the send button, connecting all of your friends to your excitement simultaneously.) Look, I am guilty of this too…we all are. That is why I feel it necessary to take this moment, just before the New Year to ask, plead, and beg you…stop, for all of us.


First, admit that you have a problem. “My name is Chris and I…I, uh, well uh……I IBTM!!!” Second, challenge yourself to write and individual text message this year to a few select friends…make it personal. Trust me, no one is “feeling the love” when they receive these messages…in fact most people feel obligated to respond or worse, they feel like they should be doing the same thing! They begin flying through their phone, “selecting all recipients” or worse, they take the time to go through their phone, feverishly clicking everyone’s name just before they hit “send”. STOP!!!


Need a New Year’s Resolution??? Don’t be an IBTMer this year…take a moment and really connect with someone.


Just a thought…

]]>Tue, 30 Dec 2008 12:22:28 PST1230668548
So like a good colleague I nodded in all the right places and said "uh-huh" a couple of times as he began to plead his case. All the while in-visioning Jenny McCarthy doing a slow strip tease in a darkened room that must have been insanely hot because she was sweating profusely. And just as was about to completely block this dude out with my powers of the mind and Jenny's white cotton panties that had by now become nearly transparent as she struggled to loose the beast, he hollered "That's what the Bible says!"

Crap. Nothing like 1st and 2nd Corinthians to screw up a perfectly good fantasy ( although that whole "Song of Solomon" thing is pretty hot, but that's a different story).

Now, I being neither of sound mind or body, and completely lacking in pragmatism, can still smell bullspunk when confronted with it's musk. And in my opinion, his fear of changed pushed him over the proverbial precipice that are found in both politics and religion. I mean, for two years all this guy and I ever talked about was thong's and skirts, now he's found Jesus?

Relax my friends, a politician, will always be a politician no matter what the color. Mccain/Obama, makes no difference. They'll all be just as limp as Tom Arnold must have been on his honeymoon in 1990.

* Plastic's Laws of Penetration - If you have, or are planning to have relations with this person, you will be forced to do many things you will not want to do out of the bedroom, and will be limited to only a few of the things you want to do in it.

]]>Wed, 05 Nov 2008 08:06:49 PST1225901209